The Ontario Rural Woman Abuse Study (ORWAS), final report
4. FINDINGS: WOMAN ABUSE IN RURAL ONTARIO (continued)
4. FINDINGS: WOMAN ABUSE IN RURAL ONTARIO (continued)
4.2 Women’s Marginalization and Isolation
Personal Isolation
Abused women often use the term isolation. Along with feeling physically isolated, they often feel excluded from society and on the margins of their community life. Women spoke of the enforced isolation imposed by their husbands. Conditions of rurality such as long distances, lack of transportation, limited services, and rigid, small town social structures further complicate the isolation experienced by rural women.
“You just feel like you’re totally lost in the middle of nowhere … that’s probably why they move you there in the first place, because of the isolation factor … and they can get away with more, and they can control what you do and where you go, if you’re stuck there.” (Oxford County survivor)
Shame and Embarrassment
Over half of the women described feelings of shame and embarrassment while they were with the abuser and after they had left him. Many said that the shame and embarrassment kept them in their situations longer, partly because they felt they would be disappointing their families and their children. They blamed themselves for getting into the relationship and then for continuing to stay.
“One woman told of how it took her more than a year after leaving her abuser to get over feeling that people were laughing at her for being in an abusive relationship.” (Stormont, Dundas & Glengarry Community Report)
“There is more respect for a woman dealing with death than for a woman who leaves to save her life.” (Cochrane survivor)
Gossip
For women living in a rural area or small town, gossip was a serious concern which added to their feelings of isolation and marginalisation. Most of the women stated that they felt that the people in their community judged them.
“ … Everybody knows everybody’s business … If they don’t, they’ll speculate, and that’s how the rumours start.” (Cochrane survivor)
“It’s so hard in a small town. There’s gossip and every family has so much pride, they want to keep their secrets to themselves, and not let anybody else in on what is happening.” (Grey-Bruce survivor)
Loneliness
Most of the women described feeling alone at times, with few people to turn to for support. This was the case for women after they left the abuser as well as during the abusive relationship.
“Yeah, totally alone. And then after a while, you choose to live alone because you don’t want anyone around you when that’s going on. I thought, ‘it’s almost a blessing that I lived where I lived’.” (Espanola survivor)
“After we got married, he just alienated me from all of my friends, all of them. I had nobody.” (Cochrane survivor)
Low Self Worth
Several survivors spoke about ‘numbing out’ or turning off their feelings as a way of coping with the ongoing abuse. Others talked about either wishing that they could die, or having the sense that they were going to die. Feelings of low self worth were common among the survivors.
“It’s a lot of little lights and eventually those little lights are shutting off and you’re thinking, ‘if I stay here, that’s how I’ll feel’. A light goes off, you know, another part of you just shuts down. I can’t explain it any other way than it really felt like I was dying, I was going to die.” (Espanola survivor)
“You just feel like a pile of shit and you’re no good, no good for anybody, and you rationalise it by saying, ‘well, if I get out of this relationship, who will want me, after I’ve been with this person, who’s going to want me?’.” (Vermilion Bay survivor)
Patriarchy
Patriarchal familial systems are reinforced as strong rural community ideals. The preservation of the family at all costs was identified as an obstacle to safety for many respondents.
Abuser’s Status
The abuser’s status in the community impacted on the women in several ways. Examples include receiving unsatisfactory results from the police because the police knew the abused woman’s husband; being unable to rent an apartment because the landlord knew the abuser and was told not to rent to his wife; and, the reluctance of the community to believe that the husband was an abuser.
“In a small town, if a person has a certain reputation or something and you say something the opposite, it’s like it’s BS. ‘That’s not right. I’ve known him all my life.’ Well, you don’t know him until you live with him.” (Cochrane survivor)
“One woman stated that other people’s employment was dependent on her husband, therefore they wouldn’t want to believe her. Another pointed out that her husband was highly placed in their church and she didn’t want him to be embarrassed before them.” (Oxford County Community Report)
In-Law Complicity
Several of the women described how their husband’s family contributed to the abuse. In most sites, women spoke of their in-laws participating in the abuse as well as condoning it.
“A very dominant mother-in-law augmented much of the abuse one of the women experienced. She also alerted the abuser of the survivor’s whereabouts when she was seen in the small community.” (Stormont, Dundas & Glengarry Community Report)
“I’m sure if their family was honest they would realise it too because their father-in-law and mother-in-law lived in an abusive situation for many years and I guess they’re accustomed to it.” (Vermilion Bay survivor)
Family Support
While family support was a positive experience for some women, many spoke of the difficulties inherent in using family support. Some said that they didn’t want to keep burdening their family with their problems while others spoke of family members who condemned them for not leaving the abuser. Again, shame kept some of the women from turning to their families for support. Others felt their families were not capable of helping because they had their own problems.
Despite being identified by many community residents, leaders and some service providers as a safe place for a woman to talk about her abuse, family was not always reported as being the easiest place for abused women to turn to for support. Many of the women said that their families would not support them until they left the situation. Most agreed that once the decision to leave was made, family support was evident. Some reported that the families wouldn’t talk about it but did help out financially.
“ … They couldn’t stand being around him because all he did was put me down.” (Vermilion Bay survivor)
“They washed their hands of me. It’s like, don’t call me your sister any more, don’t call me your mother any more if you’re going to be with this man.” (Espanola survivor)
Family Secrets
The silence around abuse originates in the family, where the women and children learn early on to keep the abuse a secret.
“I can do what I want as long as I don’t tell people [about the abuse].” (Oxford County survivor)
“Yeah, you learn not to talk. You do not tell anyone what goes on inside the house. You know, you wear this different face when you walk out the door. So that’s how I lived my life.” (Espanola survivor)
“Women’s Place”
Rural traditional beliefs about women’s place within the family and the community were issues that emerged in the focus groups. Women survivors also explained how they received messages of how a ‘lady’ is to behave and what a woman’s role is in her family. Many women said that expectations of their roles as wife, mother and daughter-in-law were contributing factors in their decision to stay.
“ … Because I grew up in a very rigid, autocratic Catholichome … women having their place and men having their place. And I came out of it, ‘I’m JUST a woman, I’m JUST this, I’m JUST that.’ And it took other people to say to me, ‘Don’t you know how valuable you are?’.” (Cochrane survivor)
“I became my husband’s hired-hand, cook, mother, and was at his beck and call.” (Oxford County survivor)
Lack of Anonymity
Many of the women interviewed discussed concerns of privacy and personal safety related to the lack of anonymity in their communities. Fear of their abusers finding them emerged as a major factor in their feelings of vulnerability. This also affected their decision whether or not to confide in professionals.
“One survivor who lives in fear that her abuser will find her is afraid to fulfil her dream of opening a business in her community because it would require her to lead a much less anonymous lifestyle.” (Stormont, Dundas, & Glengarry Community Report)
“Survivors stated that when a woman is admitted to hospital for treatment, it can again be a threat to her anonymity.” (Grey-Bruce Community Report)
Fear
All of the survivors described the intense and constant fear they lived with during and after they left their abusive relationships. Fear often immobilised the abused women and prevented them from making the choices they needed to make. Their fear appeared to have two faces: “scared to stay” and “scared to leave”. Women noted that they were afraid before they left the relationship, afraid of what they would encounter when they left, and afraid of the abuser’s behaviour after they left. Paradoxically, it was this fear which also motivated them to leave, often when they perceived that their children were being harmed by the violence.
“Being abused, and being with those who were abusive, was a very safe place to be. I was in it all my life, why wouldn’t it be? Living without abuse was a very scary thought for me. I was more afraid of leaving than I was of being abused.” (Grey-Bruce survivor)
Many of the women went on to talk about the fear which still haunts their lives. They said that when they were with their husband, at least they could monitor his behaviour and predict when he was going to be violent. Once away from him, they knew they could be in greater danger of losing their lives. A few of the women also said that they were afraid that their husbands would harm themselves if they [the women] left the home.
“The most dangerous time for us is when we initially leave the relationship because we don’t know his state of mind. He can come after us at any moment and we won’t see it coming.” (Espanola survivor)
“When you start to get scared to the point where you think, well is he going to come and shoot me someday? … Or is he going to one day kill the kids to get back at me? … You hear it often. Husband shoots kids, then shoots wife … I’m so afraid of that.” (Cochrane survivor)
Rural Ethic of Self-Sufficiency
An ethic of self-sufficiency and pride is often used to describe rural communities. This ethic is evident in terms of how survivors wanted to be viewed in the community, as well as in their reluctance to ask for help. For women who live on farms, the farm business is given utmost importance, farm families are expected to work together, and family issues are not allowed to interfere with the business.
“I didn’t want to advertise the fact that I was weak, that I was a victim. I didn’t want people to know that I was a victim. I was embarrassed by it.” (Vermilion Bay survivor)
“ … Because the choice was to lose every relationship that she had, because she was going to destroy the farm by leaving and leaving with her equity. She either stays, goes and destroys everything, or leaves poor.” (Grey-Bruce survivor)
4.2.1 Physical / Geographic Isolation
Distance
Distance prevents many abused women from obtaining immediate help or services. Many of the women made reference to being alone at night in the country with no houses and no lights around to run to for safety.
“You just feel like you’re totally lost in the middle of nowhere … if you run or if it gets really bad, where do you run to? There’s nobody to run to, there’s nobody around.” (Oxford County survivor)
“I’ve been in the middle of nowhere, even in Ontario, and still walking three hours to get to the road … and then when I got to the main highway, it was another kilometre or two to walk to a payphone.” (Stormont, Dundas & Glengarry survivor)
Transportation
Access to transportation is often problematic for abused women. It can mean the difference between life and death. The ability of rural women to seek help from services is related to a lack of available transportation. Lack of transportation also affects women’s ability to access jobs or re-training. Many women survivors cannot afford a car, and there is usually no public transportation in rural areas.
“What happens if you don’t have a vehicle and you have to wait for a taxi? That’s at least an hour. By that time it might be too late. And then the police. They’re just as bad because there’s no police station around here any more … and the length of time until the response - about an hour, I’d say.” (Vermilion Bay survivor)
“If you’re stuck on a farm, or even in small areas, you don’t have a car and you don’t have any way to get to these places to get the help that you need … you’re stuck.” (Grey-Bruce survivor)
Telephones/Party lines/ Scanners
Poor telephone service in rural areas can create more problems for abused women. Some communities have only party lines available, and some women spoke of having no phone at all.
“Some of them are on party lines. Those are things that really limit you to go for help. Even a 1-800 number doesn’t do you any good if there’s a party line.” (Cochrane focus group)
“I had no phone, no car. I was in the middle of nowhere with nowhere to go and no money. And being stuck there in the wintertime with a small child, the isolation is overwhelming.” (Espanola survivor)
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