The Ontario Rural Woman Abuse Study (ORWAS), final report
4. FINDINGS: WOMAN ABUSE IN RURAL ONTARIO (continued)
4. FINDINGS: WOMAN ABUSE IN RURAL ONTARIO (continued)
4.4 Reaching Out: Telling and Naming
4.4.1 Naming
Almost all of the women indicated that they had to name the behaviour as abusive before they could leave their relationships. Naming occurred at different stages in the relationships. For some it was after numerous years of marriage, for others it happened earlier. Some women told of living their whole lives in abusive relationships - from childhood to marriage - and only after receiving treatment for addictions were they able to name it as abuse. Several women referred to the time when they first realised that they were being abused as ‘when the light got turned on
’. Only a few women stated that they had never named it as abuse until after they were out of it.
“My idea of an abused women was one where she would be black and blue and in the hospital with broken bones. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t say it was abuse until years later. I saw it as a bad marriage, like my parent’s.” (Espanola survivor)
“I called my neighbour next door and he said,
‘You’re lucky to be calling me now. Next time you might not be alive to call me.’
That was like someone slapped me in the face and told me to wake up.” (Espanola survivor)
4.4.2 Friends
Friends were often the first people that women confided in. For some, friends offered support and practical help that helped the women take the final step to leave the relationship. Others found that it was their friends who named the abuse or encouraged them to leave for the sake of the children. For other women, friends made it more difficult to leave, either because they did not believe the woman or because she was too embarrassed to tell them what was happening.
“I never talked to any of my friends about it. I think mostly I was trying to save face, or pretend everything’s fine for my own sake as much as for theirs.” (Grey-Bruce survivor)
“Even if it is your best friend, you know, you might be embarrassed to know that my relationship isn’t as good on the inside as it looks on the outside.” (Vermilion Bay community residents)
4.4.3 Neighbours
Some of the women interviewed found their neighbours to be a great help when they disclosed that they were being abused. Others had a different experience, finding that their neighbours either didn’t want to get involved or else used the information as a source of gossip. Some women said that they were surprised to discover that their neighbours knew all about the abuse before they told them. A few women said that they now draw on their neighbours for protection to help keep watch for their ex-husbands.
“I finally got up the courage to ask them to please help and they said no, they didn’t want to get involved. That was extremely painful for me.” (Espanola survivor)
4.4.4 Family
Although some of the women indicated that they could confide in their families about the abuse they suffered, others did not feel that they got a positive response or support from their families. Women who had grown up in an abusive household found it difficult to go to other family members who had also experienced abuse for support. Community residents in Cochrane indicated that if a women reaches out to her family for assistance and does not receive support, or is told it is her problem to deal with, she is less likely to put her trust in anybody else to help her.
“I have always had my family to help me out. I know a lot of women who don’t. They have nowhere to go and they don’t know what to do. It’s scary.” (Stormont, Dundas & Glengarry survivor)
“And my family found out about it when I was so badly beaten there was no disguising that and there was no support there at all. In fact they were very abusive and it was all my fault and it was a very horrible time in my life, it really was.” (Grey-Bruce survivor)
4.4.5 Clergy/Church
Clergy received mixed reviews in terms of how supportive or helpful they were when women would disclose domestic abuse to them. Some women found the church to be a warm, accepting environment and the clergy to be very sympathetic.
“He wasn’t judgmental, he was just there. And he really stressed safety above all.” (Grey-Bruce survivor)
“I didn’t go to the church to get permission, I went to get information and they were there for me.” (Grey-Bruce survivor)
This experience was not shared by all women who approached the church or clergy for support. Many of the focus group members discussed their feelings and/or experiences involving the church.
“ … Don’t provoke him and lay down every afternoon and have a nap so you’re rested when he comes home and have a real good meal for him when he comes home.” (Clergy advice to an Oxford County survivor)
“If the woman is going to go to her minister, then you’re creating another problem within the church.” (Focus group participant, Stormont, Dundas & Glengarry)
4.4.6 Medical Personnel
Of the interviewees who had disclosed the abuse to a medical professional, approximately half were satisfied with the response. In some communities, one doctor in particular was identified as being supportive and non-judgmental.
“I had gone to my doctor and he did listen to me. And he recommended and he helped me. And he didn’t judge me.” (Vermilion Bay survivor)
“Doctor told her that the abuse was the result of learned behaviour, not a psychiatric problem.” (Oxford County Community Report)
For those who did not have positive experiences telling a doctor or nurse about the abuse, the most common reaction was lack of interest or sensitivity. Some women said that the doctor did not seem to know what resources were available for abused women.
“I tried repeatedly to tell my doctor and I didn’t really get anywhere, but perhaps I wasn’t really telling … they didn’t look any further than the symptoms.” (Cochrane survivor)
“I told my doctor and I didn’t feel supported at all. I was in the hospital with two broken ribs and his response to me was,
‘Well, you’d better do something about it.’
I didn’t know what to do so I went home and did nothing.” (Grey-Bruce survivor)
Although some survivors saw the medical centre as a safe place to go because “you could be there for almost any reason”,
others said that they would not access the available medical services for fear of a breach of confidentiality. Several women told of how they had relatives or in-laws who worked at these facilities and did not trust the staff to maintain confidentiality.
4.4.7 Shelter Worker
Shelters played a critical role in helping women gain the confidence required to leave their abusers and to deal with the stress of being in an abusive relationship. Of the women who accessed the services of a shelter, all of them found them to be invaluable. The workers were sensitive and caring, offering counselling, options and information to all the women who came to them. Although the shelter workers were not always the first people the women confided in, they were the people who could offer the most information concerning local resources.
Women interviewed in at least three of the communities either did not know about the local shelter or were not able to access it because of distance. One community had the services of an outreach worker from the shelter who was a valuable resource for many of the women. Some women indicated that they were reluctant to go to the shelter because they felt ashamed.
“I could talk to her. She’d listen. And she always gave me options. And she was my voice … [when] I could not get upset with the police or the lawyer or whatever, she did it for me. She took care of it when I couldn’t.” (Espanola survivor)
“And the shelter provided that [support] for me, along with the counselling, along with my lawyer who was supportive, along with very strong women who knew what I had gone through and realised that I wasn’t making this up and that I wasn’t crazy.” (Vermilion Bay survivor)
4.4.8 Police
The police were involved at some point during the abusive relationship of the majority of the women interviewed, although most of the women found it very difficult to phone the police and only did so as a last resort. Whether or not the police were helpful varied from situation to situation and from community to community. Many women indicated that the response depended very much on the individual officer. In small towns with a limited police staff, it seems women quickly get to know which officers can be counted on for help. Several women did note a positive difference when the responding officer was a woman.
“I wouldn’t seek help from all our police officers we have in this area. It’s pick and choose very carefully. Again, it’s a small town.” (Vermilion Bay community resident)
“Quite often women are second-guessed when they try to get help from the police.” (Vermilion Bay service provider)
4.4.9 Schools
There was a mixed reaction when women were asked if the school was a place to which they could reach out and tell about the abuse. Several of the women said they had confided in their children’s teachers or principals because they were concerned about their children’s safety or ability to cope at school. Schools were not perceived as safe places to talk about abuse by other women. Community residents identified schools as locations where more public education about abuse could occur.
“I think again, it really depends, you know, there are schools with principals who are really supportive and sensitive and then there are schools where … Then there are those who say, ‘I’m an educator, I’m not a social worker. I don’t want to deal with this stuff’.” (Grey-Bruce survivors)
“Survivor told the principal and he said,
‘Thanks, but I can’t do anything if he shows up’.”
(Oxford County Community Report)
4.4.10 Employers
Employers were often told about the abuse when the women were preparing to leave their partners. Most of the women who told their employers found they were supportive. Several women told of employers who offered practical help in addition to time off work. Some offered financial help and one woman told of her employer calling the shelter, with her permission, to ask them for advice and assistance for her. One woman said her employers “bailed me out financially”.
(Cochrane survivor)
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